I’m Married, but I Want a Boyfriend

Say you have a dress. You love this dress. you wear this dress as much as possible. You feel sexy, confident, happy, or maybe even just content in this dress. One day you notice a stain on the back. Now you only worry about this stain. How long has it been there unnoticed? You suddenly feel self conscious. You are no longer confident when you wear it because all you think about is that stain. It is amazing how when unnoticed, it was the best thing in your closet and now today you just let it stay on the hanger.

This just happened to my marriage.

My wonderful husband and I, after 3 LONG years without one, went on a date. For the first time since April of 2013 we went without kids to do something together. We are a very happy couple. I do not mean it in a cliche way when I say we truly are best friends. I think we are a perfect partnership. We argue very little, we laugh very often, and we have a healthy sex life, which is the key to a healthy marriage right? …Wrong.

Very shortly into this date, stains began to uncover themselves on the fabric of our marriage. We sat in silence for an awkwardly good bit of the hour drive. When we did speak, what did we talk about? Kids and bills. We discussed disciplinary areas that needed work, the current insurance claim on my totaled car, how we felt bad leaving his parents to handle our rambunctious little crew.

Once arriving at the the theatre (we saw Broadway’s Beauty and the Beast) the situation became even more obviously apparent. Our discussion once again fell to kids, how I couldn’t wait till the boys were big enough to appreciate the theatre. We even found ourselves looking for the best Belle inspired princess dress on one of the many little girls running around. Kids, kids, kids.

While standing in this exquisite and almost surreal theatre lobby the answer hit me hard. I watched two other couples near us, one stood very close, leaned into one another while talking to friends, another couple holding hands and snapping selfies, both with those ridiculously adorable puppy dog grins. The answer was right there; my husband was no longer my boyfriend.

That is not to say he is at any fault, as I am no longer his girlfriend either. I found myself standing next to a very attractive partner and friend. We are a team, Mommy and Daddy. We are business partners running a home for the Wicker bunch. We are friends who share interests and can keep the other one entertained and out of trouble. (Seriously, the only thing keeping us from being the perfect bro-mance couple is my lack of a penis.)

The stain was suddenly so vivid it could not be ignored. When I started the day I felt totally confident in my wonderful marriage, by the end I was completely taken aback by how we could let this “stain” go so long unnoticed.

On the ride home I tried to think of ways to act like a girlfriend but I was stumped. In the early years my girlfriend behavior was all just my reactions and responses to his boyfriend behavior, which I’m sure he feels the same about on his side. Luckily, on the ride, a friend had added us to a new very risqué Facebook group. We spent the ride checking out photos and laughing with one another, but before we knew it, we were back in the friend zone, laughing, discussing other people’s lives, being…. well… bros.

How did this go this long unnoticed?

Sex, that is how. Sex had become the big bow trying to cover the stain on our marriage. Of course the kids do occasionally nap, though its never for a very long period. In those rare short moments of being alone together we do one of two thing. 1. Sleep 2. Have sex.

Sex after kids is always rushed or extra quite and sneaky.  It is almost job like, not to say it isn’t a pleasant experience, it’s just less build up. There is no time for playful banter, flirting, build up. It is “take it while you can!”. Because every second we were ever alone was spent trying to fill it with physical pleasure, once we were alone and sex was no longer an option, we didn’t know what to do.

Sex was not an option on this date night for reasons of a personal nature, so even the flirting and little innuendos of “I can’t wait to get you home”, were taken off the table. That left us naked and exposed to only each other’s company. Since this date night last week it has been a festering stain. What was once my favorite “dress” turned out to be my comfiest pajamas in disguise.

Yes, I am comfortable. Yes, we have fun. Yes, I am happy. Am I satisfied? Not even close. I want a boyfriend. I want to be a girlfriend. I have the perfect man for the job, but how do you date somebody you already know everything about? How do you rekindle the spark in what has become your dearest friendship? How do you step out of Mommy and Daddy an into lovers again? More importantly, how do you do this with kids always present?

I just want to be his girlfriend again….. and I will be.

***UPDATE*** How this Married Woman got her Boyfriend Back

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My Best Friend, husband, partner, and soon-to-be boyfriend.

 

 

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Categories: Parenting, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 13 Comments

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13 thoughts on “I’m Married, but I Want a Boyfriend

  1. Janice

    I feel the same! I reallyyy want a boyfriend! The first time we went on a date after 10yrs!!! I had no idea of what to say to each other. It felt awkward to be alone without the children. I know he feels the same. When u figure it out, please let us know!

    • I’m hoping this post will somebody with the answers my way. I’ll share when they do!

      • April

        I know exactly where you are coming from. Me and Guy have been married for 13 years. This past summer we went on our first trip alone ever! (We never had a honeymoon because I had a 2 year old and we had Brinnon 8 months later)No kids, no friends, just me and Guy. I have to admit, I was scared to take this trip. It was a 6 hour drive to the cabin in the mountains. What would we talk about? What would we do the whole week we were there? About 3 hours in, the old me and Guy started to come out and we talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. That trip was probably the best thing for our marriage. While we were on our way back we decided that we had to take more time for ourselves. It had to be a priority and we shouldn’t feel selfish for doing it. I understand it’s never going to be like dating again because let’s face it, kids and daily life just won’t let it be!!! But just taking that little time ever once in a while to go out to eat or go hunting together or just be home alone and cook a meal together and watch a movie is just what We need to keep us from being boring old married people. And Naked Tuesdays help out too LOL!!!

      • That’s our plan. Make being alone a priority. I want to try new things have together so we can have new things to talk about

  2. Will send somebody*

  3. Jo

    It will happen. You are both aware and love each other. We just had our 19 the anniversary. In the last couple of years we have rekindled that exciting romance now that we have more alone time together. It has also helped us tremendously to support each other’s hobbies and alone/friend time. Those breaks help us appreciate each other so much more. Appreciate the relationship you have and the boyfriend will be there occasionally. Lingerie and role playing doesn’t hurt either😍

    • Our issue is we pour all our alone time into sex, if something were to happen to prevent us from being intimate we’d lose our minds and not know what to do with one another. Lol

  4. Elizabeth

    When I married my best friend I was so in love…. Months went by and I looked him in the eyes handed my rings over and said ‘I want my boyfriend back’, you have no idea how hard it is I’ve been trying for 14 years and still haven’t found him inside of my husband. But every day I try.

  5. Pam

    It takes workin at. Your dad is still my boyfriend in every way. When yall were small we took a weekend away every 2 months just to Kindle the flame. Took long romantic walks just holding hands. His smile still makes me giddy inside after 22 years.

  6. Elizabeth

    This was a wonderful read. There are so many couples that go through this and are too proud to voice their feelings to their partner that eventually they either separate or grow so far apart there is no return. Thank you for sharing one of the most intimate situations of your life so that others may learn to be stronger.

    • Glad you enjoyed it. We are still currently experimenting with new ideas and ways to reconnect. Once we find the right formula Ill be posting an update

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