Monthly Archives: February 2015

Our Extremely Unromantic “How We Met” Story

Disclaimer: This post may contain adult content.

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Today makes 7 years since I met my amazing husband in the most unromantic way imaginable. I truly thank the Lord that I do not have daughters who will someday, with doe eyes and visions of romance and fantasy, ask “How did you and Daddy meet?”.

I would be forced to lie through my teeth, telling her about candles, flowers, fate, timing, and all that love at first sight bull. That is not even close. This is how it happened.

On Feb. 23rd, 2008 me and my two best friends decided to stray from the city club scene to meet up with one of their moms and visit a hole in wall bar in a tiny interstate town an hour away.

I was 17, a senior in high school. Yes, that is under the legal age but it was high school, a time to be dangerous and have fun. I went out every weekend with my friends to the clubs, but we NEVER drank and we most certainly NEVER went home with guys or brought them home with us. We sincerely loved to dance and be together, just us girls.

Me and my two friends get all dolled up for our night out, not really knowing where we were going. Her mom had arranged to meet us at her boyfriends house near the bar. I have to admit I did not notice Jerry at that time. He jokingly offered me a seat saying “I don’t bite” to which I replied “I do.” And there it was, our first exchange of words.

We all headed to the bar minutes later. I insisted on taking my own car so we could make a swift get away from what I assumed would be a uneventful wasted night. We arrived early to avoid being carded when the crowds hit. Success! I don’t think it would have mattered anyway. It was one of those towns where everybody knows everybody and we were with the regulars.

Within minutes of arriving we started to plan our escape to go somewhere else. Then I saw him, saw him, SAW him. It still wasn’t love, even sexual attraction. He was just cute.

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He approached our table and began asking the ice breaker questions. “How old are y’all?” …”Uh oh, Here we go!” I thought. I was NOT in the mood to be hit on. Wasn’t my thing. When I dropped the “I’m 17” bomb, I figured he would laugh and high tail it out of there and save me the trouble of having to be rude to him later.

When he announced he was 30 I was shocked yet confident I wouldn’t be seeing him again that night. He did disappear temporarily. I later learned he was off downing enough alcohol to justify himself hitting on a 17 year old. Nice… what a keeper. He and his cousins occasional stopped by our table to offer to buy us drinks. My companions were more than eager to take them up on their offer, but I was always the mother figure in the bunch, feeling the need to keep a level head and look out for their best interests. Boring, I know, but I take some pride in knowing I was somewhat of a responsible teen, even when doing illegal things. *cough* sneaking into a bar *cough*.

After about an hour the DJ had already started playing and my friends had decided to stay, with the pleading of Jerry and his cousins. They had spotted guys of their own and they were going in for the kill. I eventually agreed to have one drink, all the while Jerry was charming the hell out of me. He was funny. Funny is my weakness. His smile, why didn’t I notice that earlier? The way his eyes scrunch up, it’s sweet. The drunker he got the funnier he was. No matter how much he laid it on me I was very suspicious. I was NEVER the one to get hit on when my girls where with me. I knew there had to be a catch.

Let me stop here to point out, he was not a sloppy drunk. It was not until later I realized the true level of FUBAR he was.

Things had stayed at innocent flirting until we began talking tattoos… I know, even classier huh? He and a friend pulled off their hoodies to show one another their ink, and there it was. Oh my! Why did he ever have these things hid under his shirt? Arms… ooh sweet 19″, pick me up, carry me home, throw me around, squeezed me tightly arms. Before I realized it, I had my hand clamped down on a bicep..

It had happened. I had crossed that boundary between words and looks to physical touch. Y’all know the one I mean. Where it becomes obviously clear you’re interested. Up until this point I wasn’t aware I even was. As my friends started to migrate to the dance floor for a slow dance with their new found interest, he asked me to dance.

I don’t slow dance with dudes in bars!” I thought self righteously. My friends had abandoned me at the table, he was so sweet and funny, I wanted to get a better feel on those arms, oh what the heck. Why not?

Jerry is short. It’s no secret. After standing from my bar stool I really realized that. I motioned him to wait and removed my 6″ heels then followed him onto the dance floor barefoot. This was the first, last, and only romantic part of this entire night. Being face to face with this man, trying so hard to get my attention, I caved. Maybe it was the lights, the music, the overwhelming amount of tobacco in the air, but something made us kiss. It was wonderful. As somebody who does NOT like to kiss (I know, I’m weird) it was that perfect movie moment.

I, slightly embarrassed, returned to my table with my girls as the song ended, while he ventured off grinning like the cheshire cat to make sure his boys “saw that right there, son!”. Then my girls started in on me.

“You should keep it going”

“We can stay here in town tonight”

“Come on, lived a little”

“Just try it, one time”

My friends where actually suggesting I, me, designated driver, hair holding, mama bear, have a one night stand?! WHAT!? No way! This wasn’t my thing. My thing was to make sure nobody ran off with them and if they did end up in somebody’s truck, I find them and get them home slightly hung over the next day. That was my job.

The night moved on. We had a blast. My girls and I tore up the dance floor, dancing to every song like nobody was watching. Jerry continued to make his advances and by the end of the night he was glued to my side. My girls constant encouragement led me to start thinking really hard about the offer to stay the night. Peer pressure, what can I say?

By time we left the bar he ended up in the car with us. In true small town tradition, we headed over to the only 24 hour food joint open for late night grubbage, where Jerry managed to show off his artistic skills by drawing a rat holding a huge veiny penis on a napkin. His level of drunk was becoming very very very apparent. But hey, I love the arts. Can’t knock him for some artistic expression huh?

The details after this get a little blurry. I’ve read that the brain likes to shut out bad memories so I can only assume that’s what was happening. We all ended up back at the house we had started at. I will save you the gritty details and say this. What followed was most awkward uncomfortable 10 minutes of sexual engagement I have ever experienced. He was three sheets to the wind and I was a nervous wreck. That is the extent of my memory, thankfully.

This is fun? Really? Women do this? Every weekend?” I thought laying in a twin size bed with a man 13 years my senior. I was exhausted from a long strange bizarre day, so I passed out like a light.

Early the next morning I felt him stirring.

He’s leaving. ok. I did it. First, hopefully last and only one night stand is done.”

I mean that’s what is suppose to happen right? They leave, then you avoid the awkwardness of daylight. I waited until I heard my friends stirring in the living room before getting up. Much to my surprise, HE WAS STILL THERE! What the hell man! You’re making this even weirder. It was slightly obvious he may be feeling just as awkward as myself. I assumed in his sober state, in the light of morning, he would revert to being a courteous stranger. That’s how it’s suppose to happen right? Hollywood said so!

No. He ended up pulling me down into his lap.

This guy really likes me? Sober?

I was soooo confused. I was relieved to see he was just as funny and charming sober as he was drunk. Maybe I didn’t do so bad for myself?

We swapped numbers.  I assumed it was the courteous thing to do. As we gathered our things he asked what we had planned. “Heading home I guess“I told him. “you?”

Going to get my kids.” He replied.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! KIDS! Eeeeew! I slept with a dad! Gross! Not one, not two, but he had 3 kids!

He overheard my friends and I discussing gas funds as we got ready to head out, he then reached in his pocket and handed me a bill. I didn’t think to even look until I got to the car. I then thought, “Holy crap. I just became a prostitute. I just got paid for sex!” What have I done!? My price?…… $10…. Yes whole damn $10.

He still gets an earful about that one. He swears it was the only bill he had in his pocket that wasn’t a $100 and he was just trying to help us with gas. I should have gotten a few $100 for the awful performance I suffered!

Half way home, through all the “omg“s and “I can’t believe you did that“s I hung my head in shame and exclaimed, for clarity to myself, “I just slept with a 30 year old dad.”

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A DAD!!!

He was so charming though. I truly liked this man. I could imagine how much fun he would be and I could even forgive how awful our night together was, just to hang out with him. But Mama didn’t raise no fool. I knew I wouldn’t be hearing from that guy again. He was probably beating himself up knowing out there, somewhere,  was a girl who would always remember his sloppy drunken attempt at a good time.

Before I could make it home my phone rang. He was calling me!? This is NOT how it’s suppose to happen! Even if he was interested, he is suppose to wait 3 days while I sit on edge awaiting his call. I immediately thought, “Aaah, he knows how bad he was. He’s trying to leave a better last impression with his actions this morning

He started to call me every day, multiple times a day. Our conversations would go on and on about everything. I never thought in a million years we would have so much to talk about, being at such different stages of our lives. We NEVER mentioned the events of our night together. It was a short period of time we both wanted to forget as soon as possible. After 2 weeks of continuous contact he picked me up to stay the weekend with him. That sealed it. It was the best weekend of my life until that point.

Sober…. sober was amazing. Totally, completely, overwhelmingly, made up for every horrid second spent in the tiny twin bed at his cousins. I wanted to be with him every second after that. I became physically sick when he would have to leave for work hours away.

In a very short period we became so determined to be with one another, he was driving 4 hours home every chance he got so we could be together. I was skipping classes to squeeze in every precious moment with him I could. It was quite a thing to have my 30 year old boyfriend in the stands at my high school graduation a few months later.

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Graduation 2008

Less than 3 months from that night in the bar, I moved in with him. It was the same night I graduated high school. I packed my bags and haven’t looked back. A month after moving in, he proposed to me. 3 days shy of a year since that night in the bar, I became his wife.

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The rest is history.

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Categories: Dating | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

Why You Shouldn’t Expect Me to Visit.

I often feel incredibly guilty about not visiting my friends more. They often make the long trek south to visit us which makes the guilt even worse. So I feel I should explain, to my friends without children or friends with older children who may have forgotten, why it is that you should not expect to see me anytime soon on your door step. I promise it’s not you.

  1. I don’t have the time. Remember prom? We spent hours upon hours getting ready and wished we could do it everyday? Lucky me, I do get to do that everyday! I spend hours upon hours getting my little bunch ready to leave. Only now I look more like the hungover morning after prom when I finally get out the door. Only took 4 hours, but you can bet I have enough gear to survive in the wild a few days!
  2. You live too far away. I use to measure distance in things like miles, minutes, songs, or cigarettes. I now measure distance in bottles. If you live more than one bottle away, I am NOT coming. Here’s what will happen. My toddler will be lulled to sleep by the gentle hum of the car. My youngest will finish his bottle in roughly 10-15 minutes. He will then realize he has been swallowed by a loud roaring robot monster, he can’t see mom from his rear facing seat which means she is gone forever, and he’s strapped down in an obvious torture device. I will have sung every lullaby in the English language and be on the verge of tears when I arrive. Now I will have to wake my sleeping toddler. I love you, but no friend is worth what is about to go down right here in this driveway.
  3. Your house isn’t kid safe. I’m flattered that you lit all your lovely scented candles in preparation for my arrival. Your home truly smells like a majestic unicorn fart, but did I mention my 3 year old caught my table on fire last month? I would love to drink coffee on your lovely deck, but that wood doesn’t look treated and is a splinter catastrophe waiting to happen. My, what a lovely pool! Can we go in now? I’ll just lock every door and window, and block them all with furniture now.
  4. Your house isn’t kid/mom accessible. My youngest can not sit unassisted, which means I will be holding him this ENTIRE visit. You have no bumbo, swing, bouncer, play saucer, or even a high chair. You know what you have? A blanket in the floor. Let’s just hope he developed a sudden love of tummy time on the ride over here. The toddler can’t work your remote, but he is trying. I hope you have your rentals locked because I’m sure he just ordered pay-per-view.
  5. I’m not going to have fun. Believe me, you won’t either. While you are telling me about the fun weekend away you had and the interesting people you have met, I am only thinking about how much I am dreading that drive home. It will be very obvious to you that I am only half listening to what you say. I am constantly interrupting you mid sentence to calm a crying baby or get my toddler out of your refrigerator. By time we say good bye I am both mentally and physically exhausted. I am going to ride home worried about how badly I must look to you with my dirty hair, spit up on my clothes, no makeup on my face, chasing tiny people around your house.

So no, it is not you. I love you. I miss you. If you expect me to visit though, you have lost your mind. Let’s give it a few years. Then I’ll be there, watching you wrestle your kids. Don’t worry; I won’t expect you to come to me, I’ll give you home field advantage.

Categories: Humor, Parenting | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Dear Breasts

Dear Breasts,

Why? What happened to us, or more importantly what happened to you? I held up my end of the deal. I have loved you, held you, played with you, flaunted you, fondled you, put you a hypothetical pedestal for as long as I can remember. I have spent more money on providing you with a warm supportive embrace than on any other items in my wardrobe.

I have lathered you in coco butter to keep you smooth and supple. During that short clubbing phased, I even let you wear glitter! I have proudly exclaimed you as my favorite attribute, sacrificing the feelings of my eyes and smile. Pushing you high above the appropriate necklines, I allowed you to become my defining feature in the teen years.

Remember our first Mardi Gras? We had so much fun. I let you girls take center stage. I gave you both your moment in the spotlight and boy how you shined. Remember high school? I kept grimy perverse hands from you; reserving you for only those I thought worthy of your awe inspiring fullness…. at least it seemed that way at the time.

When you showed up overnight at the tender age of 12, I did not get angry. I welcomed you with open arms, and it took both of them to keep you up. I forgave you, left boob, when you decided to make a surprise appearance at my wedding reception. I forgave you both of growing so out of control that I can never own lingerie or a store bought bikini. I have always forgiven you!

We were best friends. You were my wing women, helping me to snag up my husband. You helped me to excel in tip earning jobs. You made up for all the things I didn’t like about myself. You gave me self esteem I so desperately needed. I have always loved you, but now….. why have you failed me?

I have pampered, primped, and primed you for the day you would fulfill your one true purpose, your destiny, your meaning in life. I have been the Merlin to you, my King Authurs. I have been preparing you for an important role, unbeknownst you. You know what though breast? Authur pulled the freaking sword out of the stone and united a whole freaking kingdom!

All you had to do?……. Produce milk.

Your one purpose! The one thing you were born, bred, built, created for… milk. Generations of biology and subconscious chemical attraction has led you to me. You had ONE job, ONE J-O-B! I poured my love and devotion into you. Even after every suggestion from others, I never once even considered having you reduced. I supported you and your overwhelming neediness knowing that one day you would return the favor. Lies!

You even let me believe my failure at breast feeding 4 years ago was MY fault! After massaging, supplementing, changing my diet, drinking herbal teas, trying every wives tale and doctor’s suggestion, I learned it was you all along. You made me look weak, embarrassed even, when pro-milk moms would ask why I didn’t breast feed, they would assume I was making excuses or just lazy.

So now I go, to prepare bottles for the $20 can of formula I had to go out and get after midnight. Preparing bottles for my son, OUR son, which you helped bring into this world with your seductive bouncing only to ignore him like a useless baby daddy once he arrived. This is your fault breasts. I did my part. I leave you with this, you deserve every inch of saggage coming your way, TRAITORS!

Sincerely,

One disappointed formula feeding mother with a useless rack.

Categories: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Beginner’s Cross Body Hip Bag Tutorial

While looking For a project to use my “cute ugly” fabric on, I decided I not only wanted but needed a shoulder bag for running in and out with my kids. I currently tote a big ole back pack full of everything I could possible need to survive a nuclear attack.

Problem was, I couldn’t find anything but pdf patterns, usually at a steep price also. My printer is currently on deaths door which means pdf is out of the question. So I looked at a few pictures and decided to wing it. I have outlines every detail and I assure you this is a beginner project! I am a beginner myself.

Cross-carry bag

You need: 1/2 yard Main Fabric

1/2 yard lining/complementing fabric

1/3 yard fusible interfacing

2 med-large metal rings

2 small metal rings (optional for adjustable strap)

THATS ONE YARD OF FABRIC!!! Hells yeah!

No pattern needed, just the following square and rectangle cuts:

Main Fabric

(2) 10″x 12″

(2) 12″x 3.5″

(2) 3.5″x 8″

(1) 10″x 10″

(1) 10″x 6.5″

(1) 10″x 3.5″

Lining Fabric

(2) 10″x 12″

(2) 12″x 3.5″

(2) 3.5″x 8″

(1) 10″x 10″

(1) 10″x 8.5″

(1) 10″ x 3.5″

Interfacing

(2) 10″x 12″

(1) 10″x 10″

I use old newspapers to draw and cut my squares and rectangles to use as patterns, much easier than retracing every shape.

Keep ALL scraps!!!

Should look something like this.

Satchel Tutorial

Firstly attach your fusible interfacing to the 10″x 10″ and both 12″x 10″ pieces of lining fabric

lining

 Round the corners of both your 10″x 10″ squares like so…

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You can do this by putting them together then folding in half. If you are not confident in your free cut, trace a cup or lid to get a perfect rounded guide line.

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Now, place both pieces right sides together. Sew along both sides and around curved ends, leaving the straight side opposite your curved edged open. snip notches into the curve of the fabric to prevent bunching. Be careful not to cut your seam.

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Flip right side out, press, and sew a 1/4″ seam along the edge. Should look similar this when finished. Set aside for now.

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Using both the 10″x 6.5″ main fabric and the 10″x 8.5″ lining fabric, fold one of the longest edges down 1/4″ and press. Turn again 1/4″ and press again creating a concealed edge. Sew along this edge to create the finished edge of your pockets.

(I used pockets 2″ shorter than what is suggested here, Mine were a tad more shallow than I had hoped for originally)

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Now stack your pockets onto you front right side of your panel (10″x 12″), the way you wish for them to be seen from the outside, hemmed sides on top. (Note: your pockets should look slightly taller. I added 2″ to this tutorial)

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Using your two 12″x 3.5″ Lining fabrics, place and pin them right sides together onto both sides of your front panel.

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Sew along the 12″ edges straight down, being sure to sew over the pocket edges also. Open and press open seam.

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using your 10″x 3.5″ Lining piece, place and pin it right sides together across the bottom front panel, Just like the two pieces before. Sew across, being sure to sew through the bottom of the pockets also. Open and press seam.

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Here it gets tricky. You are going to sew together the ends of the lining pieces to form a corner. I wish there were a better way to show you but really, just line them up, straight raw edge to straight raw edge.

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When both are done should look something like…

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Now, grab all your pins. Use the remaining 12″ x10″ main fabric piece and begin to pin it to all the lining fabric sides on the back (right sides together), creating a bag. Start at bottom corners for best results.

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Sew, press, and flip right side out. To save you time and frustration later, press the top raw edges down about 1/2″, do not sew them yet though.

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Repeat all these step (without pockets) to create your lining. When finished you should have 2 complimenting bag shapes. Fold and press raw edge of lining bag 1/2″ also. Do not sew.

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Locate your flap piece with the rounded corners. Now pin your flap to the back inside of your outer shell about 1/2″. Raw edge should be folded down so from the outside there will be no raw edge visible. Sew.

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Flip your lining bag inside out and insert into outer bag, so you have right sides visible looking in and out, set aside.

Using your 3.”x 8″ pieces, lay complimenting fabrics right sides together. Stitch completely down both long sides, flip right side out and press. Here is one sewn and one flipped right side out. You should have 2 when complete. These will be your hooks for your metal rings.

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loop each piece around one of your metal rings. Sandwich the ends in between the lining and outer shell of your bag along your 3″ sides, inserting ends at least 1″-2″ into the seam. Pin

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Continue pinning around the entire mouth of bag. With raw edges folded under. Sew a 1/4″ seam around the entire top. Be sure to sew a few extra stitches on both sides with the metal rings. They will be weight bearing seams so reinforce them.

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When finished should look something like…

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Now for straps. I did not manage to get pictures but there are several way to do this. I cut all my remaining scraps into 3″ strips. I then sewed them all together in a continuous strip, being sure to reinforce each seam with a zig-zag stitch. After I had one long strip of fabric (1.5 yards) I folded my strip in half, right sides together, and sewed straight down.

Then using a safety pin, fed one end through the looong tube pulling it right side out. Press.

You could also use one continuous strip of fabric if you have it, or use nylon strapping.

To attach to your metal rings you have 2 options. One being the most simple, by choosing a set strap length and sewing it directly around the loop on both sides. Be sure to fold your raw edge under.

MbC1

To make an adjustable strap, FIRST attach one end of the strap to your 2 smaller rings

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Then loop your raw end thru one big ring and into the smaller rings much like a belt. Pull all the way to the opposite larger ring and sew like in first drawing above. you should have double strap on one side like so…

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Attached to larger rings like so…

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Once That’s done, ENJOY YOUR BAG!

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Note: You can add snaps or velcro. I didn’t have any handy for this project but I prefer the flip and grab. My current bag has a magnetic snap and I want to chunk it every time I try to snap it while wrestling kids though a parking lot.. Like looking for a contact in a blizzard. Will probably go with velcro if I make another though.

Categories: DIY | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

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